About sextalk

Thaisextalk.com is a personal project of a Thai woman, named Kaewmala (yours truly). No, I’m not offering an online erotic-talk service, nor am I trying to sell you sex, or hook you up with anyone who might do so.

My Thaisextalk is an intellectual, not a commercial, exercise, so you may put away your credit card now.

I simply want to talk about sex and other things related to love, romance and sexuality that concern Thai culture and people, especially Thai women.

Some of the things that I’ll talk about may be a little naughty by conservative standards, or outrageous by the standards of the Puritans. If you’re looking for anything hanky-panky or pornographic, you’d be disappointed, guys. But if you’re looking for a place or a person to talk about love, sex and culture in a mature, intelligent, maybe also provocative, way, I dare say you won’t be disappointed.

Another disclaimer: Because I can only speak for myself when I give opinions about all these matters, please be advised that my view may not be representative of the majority of Thai people and society (although I do think that some, even many, share my thinking–-they just don’t talk about it). By Thai standards, I am probably a little too forthright and critical. So, there you have been warned.

:: Read Kaewmala’s brief Bio ::

Why do I, a Thai woman, want to talk about sex?

Being a woman in love with words, I will give you a long answer.

“Sex” in many Thai people’s minds is something private, not to be talked about, or flirted with, especially by women and girls. This may come as a surprise to those whose main source of information about Thailand is what’s on the internet and little else.

Given a certain reputation of Thailand (“sex capital of the world” being the obvious one, Bangkok as a “city of temples and prostitutes” being another—or try googling “thai women,” “thai girlfriend,” or “thailand sex” if you haven’t already done that and got here this way, haha), many can be forgiven for taking it for a country populated by sexual libertines, or for believing that Thai women will throw themselves at the first foreign man coming their way.

The truth is quite different. Thailand may be a popular destination for sex tourists and a source of exotic, beautiful wives and girlfriends for Western men, but it is by no means a country comfortable with its own sexuality (and most Thai women aren’t selling themselves or throwing themselves at foreign men either).

If you’ve heard that Thai people love sanuk (fun), that’s mostly true—Thais are generally a happy go-lucky kind of people. But our sanuk culture does not necessarily include sexual freedom (specifically for women) many might think.

Few tourists and short-time visitors of Thailand realize that beyond the bar and entertainment scene catered primarily to foreigners and expatriates, the mainstream Thai society is quite conservative—and conflicted—about sex.

Sexual values and attitudes in the mainstream Thai society are actually much closer to puritanical than hedonistic—particularly among the urban middle class. Of course, there are generational differences. Thai youngsters are predictably a lot more sexually liberal than their parents, if the statistics of ever-younger Thai teenagers having sex is any guide. But even then, not all Thai youngsters are sexually liberated, though it is probably safe to bet that mainstream Thai sexual mores in the next generation will look a lot different than today. Cultural attitudes are never static and sometimes come in full circle.

But as of today, most Thai adults over 30 are still very much attached to the idea of prim and proper “Thai Tradition” in which sex is a taboo subject–believe it or not. Notwithstanding persistent double standards for men and women and today’s Thai women trying to break out of the old traditional mould, the society is still trying desperately to hold on to the ideal sexual piety (of “good” women).

Like in many societies, Thai society has its own Madonna vs. whore complex. There are the “good girls” and the “bad girls.” And the good girls aren’t the ones that many foreigners, even those living in Thailand, get to mingle with easily (but this is also changing). This Madonna/whore distinction is not entirely lost to many foreign lover-seekers with eyes fixed on Thai women. Their collective angst is palpable—many worry about how to tell the “good” Thai woman from the pay-for-play type. And there is no shortage of guides to do just that made available free of charge by real old hands and self-proclaimed experts (many of whom think a few trips to Thailand or an experience with a Thai girlfriend or two qualify as expertise). The quality of advice naturally varies.

“Good” Thai girls are supposed to be sexually modest and stay a virgin until the day of marriage—or at least that’s what most Thai parents still expect of their daughters. Increasingly this expectation is looking more and more like a minor delusion—parents have little choice but to hope. Yet, there’s no such expectation for Thai sons, who can pretty much do as they please—fooling around with prostitutes and ‘easy’ girls, until they (the guys) get married, whence real “good” guys would stop whoring and philandering. But social pressure on Thai guys to keep sexual and marital piety is far less strong than on Thai girls. There is no shortage of materials to talk about on that.

As Thailand’s exotic allure continues to draw foreign tourists and visitors (with much help from images of beautiful Thai women used subliminally and not-so-subliminally), at home the protectors of Thai Culture (always with the capital C) are preaching to Thai women to behave according to the kulasatri (virtuous lady) standards of conduct (meaning: preserve your virginity, listen to the elders, don’t do anything scandalous like wearing spaghetti straps, among other things).

The way many Thais and the authorities react to sex and try to control sexual behaviors (of women and youngsters) can push all the wrong buttons in liberal-minded people like me. What with the obsession with women’s revealing clothing and teenagers having sex on Valentine’s Day (and many other days), while adult Thai men frequent brothels, massage parlors, and other establishments full of scantily clad young women everyday?

Mainly it is this national sexual hang-up that gives me the itch to write about sex in Thai culture. Many (urban middle-class) Thais believe strongly that the currently prevailing Victorian-like sexual values to be originally Thai. But are they?

The social and cultural attitudes on male-female roles in sexuality cannot be underestimated if you want to really understand a Thai person’s thinking, behavior and motivation in romantic and sexual matters. The class complexities—not easy to grasp for foreigners from more egalitarian societies—also have much to do with how Thais from different class and social backgrounds think, behave, and expect in a sexual relationship. And how these also affect how Thais view Thai-foreign relationships.

The question of regional cultural history is also important. It’s not fair to expect foreigners to understand the complexities of class, culture and history, when even most Thais rarely reflect on them. Expectations clash with social change and the society is lost and misguided when it doesn’t fully understand its own history.
Siamese sexual attitudes and behaviors weren’t always like this (nor always unequal between the two sexes). On the evidence of language, lingering traditions, and cultural artifacts, Thai society was much more sexually well-adjusted as recently as a century or so ago.

So, how have Thais become so sexually uptight today? What happened that made the happy-go-lucky Siamese into some kind of puritanical and sexually schizophrenic people?

These are the questions that guide me in my Thaisextalk. I believe that taboos tell much about a society. Talking about sex (in the context of love, romance and male-female relations) by looking into language, history, class, and other aspects in the culture will shed more light on the Thai sexual culture, and, I hope, help me and any interested Thais to know our sexual selves better and understand why we are where we are today. Thai society could certainly unwind a little more about sex.

Talking about sex brings to mind naughty thoughts. But that’s not all there is to it about sex, is it? Sex in my view is this: a normal part of life and nothing to be ashamed of in itself. It is an important, if not indispensable, part of love, a healthy relationship, and a healthy society.

On a persona level, talking about sex doesn’t mean that one will become sex-obsessed or give sex more importance than other lofty emotions like love and affection, or real emotional ties. On the contrary, in a mature romantic relationship, sex only enhances emotional bonding in a couple.
On a societal level, talking about sex doesn’t mean you are stimulating every man, woman and child to have sex and inciting a breakdown of society. It’s just talking, people, so chill out. The social problems involving sex today—teenage pregnancy and HIV/Aids to name only two—are not due to too much talking about sex, but too little of it. At least not the constructive kind of talking.

True, there is no lack of “having it” at all. But that is the point. It’s not the “having it” that is the problem because humans—along with other animals on the planet—have always been “having it” since time immemorial. It’s the kind of “having it” without the “talking” and “understanding” that is causing many problems. Sex and ignorance can be a potent combination for disaster. It boggles the mind why so many can actually believe that telling people not to have sex is a solution to anything other than over population.

So, with this unapologetically liberal view, I proceed to talk about sex (focusing on Thai culture).

I hope that a more mature and constructive discussion about sex and relationships, personal and social, will help bridge the gaps of understanding among both Thais and foreigners interested in having a relationship with Thais.

I have started the Thaisextalk project by looking at Thai language in love and romance, which reveals much about Thai thinking in love, sexuality and male-female relations. The first product is a book called sextalk: In Search of Love and Romance, intended to serve as a helpful guide to those interested in learning more about Thai sexuality in order to understand more about the country and/or your personal relationships.

I have written and will continue to write more articles in different areas on this website—cross-cultural relationships, language & culture, sex & society, etc. There are resources for those who are interested in learning Thai language and I will add more resources in all these areas.

I hope that this is only a start of a long, enduring discussion and sharing. So, please join me.

Kawemala
Bangkok, Thailand (February 2009)

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