Read excerpts and sample sextalk expressions from:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1 Sexually Speaking
Excerpt

Hi. I am a Thai woman and I want to talk about sex.

Now that I have your attention, let me tell you what this book is all about. No, this is not a manual for international sex addicts anonymous. Nor is it a how-to guide to have sex, though it may come close as a guide to finding love (and maybe sex).

Sex Talk is in fact a kind of guidebook—a guidebook to a sexual culture. Sex Talk will take you on a journey to explore sexuality in Thai culture, and the vehicle taking you there is the Thai language.

. . .

As I grew up, my main source of sex education during my adolescent years came from romance novels. I devoured copious numbers of them in high school and in university. My surprise, coming years later, was the realization that romance as depicted in these novels was only thinly connected to reality. It showed how appallingly little I had learned about the intricacies of romance. My dealing with my first teenage crush now seems absurd, bordering on the sociopathic—more about that episode later.

Many women of my generation—I’m speaking particularly of the educated middle-class women in their thirties to forties now—must have got some very strange ideas about love and sex from reading the same novels. Our heroines were so impossibly pure and pious and hardly ever had any sex (if they had any, the reader was not given a front-row view of the event). The heorine always saved herself for the One Real True Love—the hero, of course. A real heroine would rather die or starve her entire family to keep her feminine virtues and pride. And though quietly sensual in the hands of the heroes, most Thai heroines easily rivaled a nun in standards of chastity. Is it any wonder that a huge number of women of my generation are still single, and, perhaps in some cases, still virgins?

I don’t think my personal experience is all that unique—at least for Thai women born before 1980—the pre-computer, pre-Internet age. In the age of the Internet, it is difficult to believe there was a time when learning about sex was so difficult, filled with misinformation, and secrecy. What we knew in our adolescence about romance, love and sex was so sadly little, besides the ideas drilled into our heads that romance is whimsical and nonsense, love will come to you, and sex is dirty and dangerous.

Instead of sex education, we were taught the ancient moral sexual code of “Men are paddy, women are rice”: Chaay khâaw plùeaak, ying khâaw san (ชายข้าวเปลือก หญิงข้าวสาร). In this proverb, men are compared to paddy (rice grains with the husk) and women to rice (rice grains without the husk). Male virtues, like the paddy, are protected by the husk covering them. The female virtues, on the other hand, have no protection—without the husk, the rice grains are nakedly exposed and easily rot. Paddy can be transported far and wide and can always grow into rice. The rice grains, however, don’t travel well and can’t be made into seedlings; in unfavorable conditions they will only rot and stink.

. . .

Romance between Thais and foreigners has been going up in leaps and bounds in the past decade or so, particularly between foreign men and Thai women. This, I think, is wonderful, but at the same time it poses new challenges to romance. It is hard enough making a go of it within one’s own culture. Looking for love outside one’s familiar cultural boundaries becomes even harder with the additional intricacies of a foreign language and culture.
This book is therefore intended primarily for those who are, or expect to be, in a cross-cultural romance with a Thai. Although the book is written in English, English-reading Thais pursuing a cross-cultural romance can also benefit as well from the knowledge here. There are certain things that a Thai person may understand but will find hard to articulate to a foreigner. I hope this book will make that easier. Of course, those—foreigners or Thais—who are simply interested in knowing more about love, romance and sexuality in Thai culture can also find insights in Sex Talk.

. . .

What do I mean by “sex” in Sex Talk? Sex, in my view, is much more than coitus, and the Thai language reveals an exceedingly rich vocabulary for what happens beyond the bedroom. Sex happens well before two people make love to each other on a bed (or any other surface), and beyond the lovemaking. It concerns not only what two people do with each other sexually, but also how society sees and treats sex—which also affects how individuals behave in sexual ways.

In Thai, as it is universally, “sex” is synonymous with “libido, carnal desire, and lust”: kaam-má-rom (กามรมณ์) or khwaam khrâi (ความใคร่). It is also closely connected to “love and eroticism”: khwaam rák (ความรัก), khwaam sà-nèe-ha (ความเสน่หา) or khwaam phít-sà-wàat (ความพิศวาส). From the Thai philosophical viewpoint, sex is a kind of temporal, worldly desire resulting from love and passion that is to be controlled and moderated. Although there is no such concept as “original sin” in Thai Buddhism, the efforts over time to stem extreme behavior have made sex into something “obscene and indecent” as expressed in these words often associated with sex: laa-mók (ลามก) or bàt-sii bàt-thà-looeng (บัดสี บัดเถลิง).

Sex has become so smutty and polluted that it has spawned many euphemisms. Thais like to call it a “south-of-the-navel affair” (rûeaang tâi sà-duue: เรื่องใต้สะดือ), an “on-the-bed affair” (rûeaang bon tiiang: เรื่องบนเตียง), an “obscene affair” (rûeaang laa-mók: เรื่องลามก), or a hush-hush “that sort of affair” (rûeaang yàang wâa: เรื่องอย่างว่า or rûeaang phan náan: เรื่องพรรค์นั้น).

In Sex Talk, sex is not dirty, dangerous or shameful. Rich and various, it is anything you want it to be: tame or daring, silly or smart, sad or funny, normal or absurd. It is part of life, part of being human, part of love and romance.
And if you think love and romance is not really about sex, you can think again. The word “romance” in Thai translates bluntly as “matter of love and lust”: rûeaang rák rák khrâi khrâi (เรื่องรักๆใคร่ๆ).

Sex Talk is your guide to the vast terrain of the beautiful and sensual Thai language, offering you a chance to explore what there is to know about Thai love and romance.

The journey starts with an examination of the Thai sexual jungle in Chapter 2. Here you will meet a variety of sexual animals, giving a basic introduction to various characters and aspects of Thai sexuality. Chapter 3 prepares you for the never-ending battle between love and lust, illustrating how the impulse starts, and offering a glimpse of the full impact of the love or lust in a relationship. Chapter 4 introduces you to what I call the “Thai love jungle” and to the personalities and styles of potential lovers. Chapter 5 coaches you on the art of flirting, the do’s and the don’ts. Chapter 6 explains the traditional Thai rituals of courtship. Chapter 7 details modern courtship and dating. Chapter 8 helps you decide what kind of love and romance you may be heading towards or already find youself deeply involved in. You have the chance to identify yourself in a line-up of the usual, and not-so-usual, suspects of lovers and bedmates. The last two chapters close with the Thai perspective on beauty and sex appeal, revealing what makes Thais tick and what they think is lovely and sexy.

For each Thai word mentioned I include both the Thai script and the Roman transliteration of the pronunciation for the benefit of those who are learning Thai. The phonetic guide is also provided as a reference at the end of the book.

Whether you are simply in search of knowledge about the Thai language and culture, or you happen to be in search of love and romance in the Thai culture, I hope that the first part of this journey into Thai sexuality will be as fun and educational for you as it has been for me.

[Read more in the book.]

back to top