Excerpt from Chapter 7: Modern Courtship and Dating

Thai-farang relationships – “rental wife” phase
phua fà-ràng (informal, n.) ผัวฝรั่ง (ปาก, น.)
miia châw (informal, n.) เมียเช่า (ปาก, น.)

If you have read chapters 4 and 6, you won’t ask why many Thai women are now turning to foreign men. Surely,many Thai women actively seeking foreign men often have economic security in mind. But another important reason also pushes them to look outward: many are wary of homegrown Thai Casanovas (or at least many claim so).

It is telling that the pioneers of the recent mini exodus of Thai women to relationships with foreign men are often Thai women from poor rural backgrounds. There is a historical reason for this.

In the 1960s and 1970s, during the Vietnam War, the United States had a number of military bases in the northeastern part of Thailand known as Isaan. As in any area around any military base, sex was for sale to troops. But not every sexual encounter was purely business. In many cases, young people fell in love, and Isaan women were the first group of Thai women in modern times to have phuua fàràng, “farang husbands” (foreign/Caucasian husbands).12

Thai-farang relationships at that time, however, were mostly of a temporary and convenient kind—not fitting the traditional template. Boys met girls, boys might have fallen in love with girls and vice versa, but the boys were also at war. So, the result was the creation of an institution called the “rental wife” (miia châw): the “wife” was engaged for wifely duties in a semi-businesslike contract of some duration, with the “husband” providing for the “wife” financially. Some of the former “rental wives” became real wives and moved with their husbands back to the US. Many did not and took new “husbands” or went back to whatever they were doing before.

(Bangkok was also a favorite R&R stop for American GIs during the Vietnam War and the idea of “rental wives” featured in the city, as well.)

A navy base was situated in the southeastern part of the country, at U-Tapao near Pattaya where “rental wives” were also found. Since the war, this area has seen a continuing presence of foreign men in uniform coming in for various Thai-foreign joint military exercises, so it has continued to draw women looking for a fast track to a piece of the soldiers of fortune. As Pattaya gained renown as a major foreign tourist attraction, the streams of women (mostly from Isaan) to the city became permanent. Many women with a farang (husband or not) here are still often refered to as miia châw but, I’m afraid, to many, the “rental wife” set-up is little different from the good old trade of prostitution.

Thirty or forty years ago Thai society was much more conservative than now. Women with a farang man—married or not—were often viewed negatively. They were looked down upon as poor, uneducated, unsophisticated, and invariably assumed to be either a “rental wife” or working in the sex trade. Of course, this stereotype has a basis in t ruth, but not all Thai women with a farang husband fit this description. But given this unflattering stereotype, it is of little wonder that most Thai women from a family of some means and social standing were not eager to marry a farang. But this attitude would change.

Thai-farang relationships – “farang son-in-law” phase
saw baa (informal, n.) สาวบาร์ (ปาก, น.)
phua nÔOk (informal, n.) ผัวนอก (ปาก, น.)
khoey fà-ràng (informal, n.) เขยฝรั่ง (ปาก, น.)

After the Vietnam War, as American bases in Isaan were closed, poor Isaan women (along with some men) streamed into Bangkok to look for work. In the 1980s and 1990s The Thai economic miracle did wonders for Bangkok and a few major urban centers, expanding the urban middle class, but it did little to improve lives in poor rural provinces. Isaan remains impoverished, as ever, but material demands now exceed what people can afford by staying at home and working on shrinking family farms.

While Isaan men became Bangkok taxi drivers and builders of skyscrapers, along with many Isaan women and other poor rural migrants, a small minority of Isaan women became the face of Bangkok’s red-light districts. They came to be known as “bargirls” (saw baa)—the new incarnation of the “rental wife.” Patpong, Nana and Soi Cowboy bars, and any number of after-hours places catering to foreign tourists, became a fertile ground to seek a farang (and now also other foreign) husband.

In a good scenario, after a short while in the bar a poor Isaan girl breaks out of the cycle of poverty and lack of opportunities and finds a decent phuua fà-ràng (“farang husband”) or phuua nÔOk (“husband [from] abroad”). In one scenario, a bargirl becomes accustomed to the bar lifestyle and easy money and after a while traditional relationships become difficult—drugs or pimping Thai boyfriends further complicate things. In another common scenario, a bargirl marries a foreign husband, moves to his country, and is stuck in a life that proves dull and oppressive. It isn’t what she had pictured it would be—the prince charming no longer seems as charming in his strange land. Language barriers and lack of understanding on both sides cause many such “success” cases to struggle in order to keep the marriage intact.

Like any other type of relationship, there are successes and failures in farang-bargirl relationships, whether in Europe or America, in Bangkok, or in a rural province in Isaan. But few in the village get to, or want to, hear about problems—tangible benefits are easier to see than emotional difficulties. Successful ex-bargirls return to a home village adorned with gold and a big bundle of cash to build a new house, buy a pick-up truck, and pay family debts. A daughter made good inspires others to follow.

Over the last several years, just about everyone from the media to anthropologists to social policy researchers have looked into the phonemenon of some Isaan villages turning into the land of khooey fà-ràng (“farang son-in-law”), identifiable by the many European-style mini mansions. Poor families with daughters are said to (not so) secretly hope that they will someday get a khooey fà-ràng too, and move up the local social ladder to a better lifestyle.

This may sound very mercenary. What may have started as a sacrifice to ensure economic survival becomes an effort to keep up with (or ahead of) the Joneses. The neighbor buys a new Honda; the pressure is on the family to buy a better model Honda. Status is not just about not starving; it is about having a symbol of rank. These underlying motives fuel the romantic fire. Here the romance that turns mercenary isn’t from passion but from plan. But even so, it is not all without feelings and affection.

This farang-son-in-law phenomenon intrigues and perhaps also repulses the Thai urban middle class and the Bangkok elites (the image of Thai women abroad represented by ex-prostitute country hicks is not exactly what they have in mind). Meanwhile, many poor country girls, exprostitute or not, have broken out of a low place in a highly hierarchical society in a spectacularly unconventional way. Who can blame them for not giving a hoot about how high society judges the methods used to get there?

Thai-farang relationships – post-rental wife phase
fEEn fà-ràng (informal, n.) แฟนฝรั่ง (ปาก, น.)
lûuk khrûeng (informal, n.) ลูกครึ่ง (ปาก, น.)

Thai woman often believe—or hope—that foreign men (particularly Western men) are more loyal and responsible mates than Thai men. Like the foreign men’s stereotypical view of Thai women, this simplistic idea is sometimes proved to be true, but it has proved to be wishful thinking, as well.

But however simplistic, this belief is quite prevalent among Thai women of different backgrounds. Indeed, it is hard for many Thai women to imagine men of any other nationality as being as promiscuous as Thai men; I suppose, like an old bickering couple, the other’s flaws seen up close always seem worse, and the grass is always greener on the other side. Farang men are also assumed to be rich.

Given these oversimplified impressions, it is not surprising that other Thai women, other than bargirls and masseuses, are also seeking foreign men. Women in rural Isaan villages (who have witnessed successful cases up close) are easily persuaded to join friends and relatives who have gone before them with a farang husband. Those without such connections put themselves in the hands of international matchmaking services. Women in other regions, notably in the north, have also added to the new list of clients.

The pool of Thai women available to foreigners now also includes more educated women from the middle class, who no longer mind a “farang boyfriend” (fEEn fà-ràng) or a farang husband. Some use matchmaking services, others explore on their own with farang men in Thailand, or on the Internet. Perhaps it is the economic incentive. Perhaps it is the belief that farang men are more loyal and responsible husbands.

Perhaps the negative stereotype of Thai female-farang male relationships, though still persistent, is wearing off. Probably it is all of the above, plus the fact that the world is now much smaller and people are more open-minded. In the past few decades, more Thai women from the middle class (joining those from the upper class) have had opportunities to study abroad and some have returned with foreign husbands or have later married foreign husbands they met in Thailand. There have always been some women in high society married to foreigners, and the number here appears to have gone up, as well.

Another reason that cannot be underestimated is that lûuk khrûeng, “children of mixed race” have recently become an ideal of beauty in Thai society, especially children of Thai-Caucasian parentage. Many Thai women dream of having such supposedly beautiful children. Many lûuk khrûeng are seen on Thai television shows and in advertisements, on catwalks and billboards.

So, given the apparently strong interest on both sides to enter into a cross-cultural relationship, the prospects for success should be good. Yet, as I said before, expectations and reality don’t always agree. Even with similar education and without language barriers, cultural misunderstanding can present a problem in most cross-cultural relationships. One way to make sure that a relationship works as well as it should is to minimize such misunderstanding by learning as much as possible about the other’s culture and respecting points of view when it comes to cultural beliefs and ways of thinking.

Relationships between Thai women and foreign men are very common, but what about Thai men and foreign women? Yes, there are such relationships, especially among Thai men who have studied abroad, but the number is far smaller than those between Thai women and foreign men. Also, historically, foreign women who came to Thailand usually followed their husbands. There have been far fewer unattached foreign women than unattached foreign men coming to work and live in Thailand.

But the trends are changing. Living in Bangkok, I see increasingly more foreign women working and living here. So, it may only be a matter of time before Thai man-foreign woman relationships become more common.

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